When you make your living as a sex toys blogger, there are two major categories of questions you get all the time–first, Explain How That One Crazy Toy Works and Convince Me It Would Be Appropriate For Me To Buy One and the always popular…How Do You Do Stuff. Because, naturally, if I know my way around a double ringed cock ring and a set of nipple clamps, I must have secret skills, no? I would not argue the point (and thereby reduce the number of dates I get asked out on), but I would say that I am always pleased when I’m asked a question that I actually do know the answer to.
And one of the most frequent tricks I get asked about is the elusive Hands-Free Condom Application. Blame porn and women’s magazines, but suddenly just putting a condom on the old-fashioned way isn’t hot enough. But, as I’m all for anything that makes safer sex sexier, I’m happy to help out. The view for the men is certainly enjoyable and the increased dexterity for the giver will surely lead to good things–and if all else fails, your fumbling attempts will bring much laughter and good times to your bed..and that’s always a plus.
Important note: Do NOT open the condom wrapper with your teeth. You negate the purpose of the condom if you put a hole in it and those things are too expensive to be wasting through errant chewing.
When you have the condom out of the wrapper, hold it to your mouth with the tip to your tongue. A gentle inhalation will let you keep the condom against your lips once you let go. You should now place the condom against the head of the penis, and using just your lips, work it down the first inch or so. That first roll down is the hardest, so take your time–trying to speed up and show what a pro you are is only going to end in heartbreak when the condom goes flinging across the room. Don’t ask me how I know that.
Once you’ve worked the condom down over the ridge of the penis, the hard part is over and it’s all just a matter of patiently working it down. There are a few things to remember:
* Never, ever grab the condom with your teeth to get a better hold–no matter how tempted you might be to just do it quick.
* You don’t have to do it all in one go. Now is not the time to do a deep throat lunge–gagging AND finding that the condom didn’t go all the way down is just sadness on top of sadness. Use small up and down movements–your partner will enjoy the pre-blowjob blowjob motion.
* Like with oral sex, a bit of hand goes a long way. If you’re finding that it is too difficult to work the condom all the way down the shaft, look up at your partner, slide your mouth down the condom, and subtly use your hand to roll it the rest of the way down. You’ll get all the credit and get the job done before the night is spent.
Something you’ve always wanted to know how to do? See if I know how–you can write to me at email@example.com.